Going through divorce is like a stab in the heart with no visible scars…
It felt like mourning something abstract, yet impacts all areas of life. All my future & dreams all came crashing down. For some like me, it was a huge lifestyle adjustment. I had to move back to the area where I grew up & sold my matrimonial home to my ex-husband. I was a full-time student getting a second diploma, but I had to give that up and go back to work. I had to say goodbye to the neighbours & new friends I had made from the area I lived in. I was fortunate that I had a roof over my head & family to take care of me, but still I was rattled to the bone with grief, depression & anxiety. It left me fatigued, burned out, unable to drive my car & barely able to walk. I was sensitive to light & was unable to go to the shops that I used to frequent for several months.
I was also carrying so much pain – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I thought I had failed my ex-husband & my own family. I was afraid to go back to the church I got married in. I was afraid of judgement and also feeling like I was a big sinner and I wasn’t good enough for God.
Separation happened in 2018. Divorce in 2020.
The hardest part was figuring out “who am I?” I was no longer a wife, a daughter-in-law, and a homeowner. Suddenly, I felt like my support system shrunk. I felt lonely and desperate for companionship.
I owe it all to God. By His grace, He led me to a church nearby. It was a place where everyone was encouraged to “come as you are”. It didn’t matter your background, age, spiritual journey, or brokenness. I was accepted. And I was hugged by so many. Day-by-day, I grew stronger. I attended service & seminars offered by the church. Finally, I was well enough to work again – starting with part-time hours. I slowly regained my momentum and finally was able to work full-time and shop & dine out again.
The pandemic hit…the fear and anxiety hit me again. I was thrown right back into the past – feeling stuck, trapped, isolated. It took away my support system physically. It drained me emotionally and psychologically.
But I chose not to give up. I stayed connected online with my church and meditation groups. Zumba & yoga classes became my outlet. I met so many people across Ontario and even in the US through my online groups. I feel blessed to be able to have internet & connect with so many others – I didn’t feel alone. On the rough days, I chose to connect with nature. Nature helped ground me & it was a gentle reminder that the Holy Spirit is always with us, always watching & protecting us no matter the situation.
Although I am on daily medication for my sleep & anxiety, I don’t believe it is a step back. We learn through each experience and we move forward with it. I was so negative to myself, thinking that I wasn’t strong enough to weather this storm. In fact, it is quite the opposite – it takes ALOT of faith and courage to accept the current situation and to take steps to improve oneself, be it medication, therapy, or reaching out for help.
The constant changes in lifestyle is not quite over yet, but one comforting thing I keep telling myself is, “I am safe.” Why? Because I finally figured out who’s I am and who I serve. “I am a child of God and that is who I serve.”
Thanks for reading. May you find joy and peace through these difficult times.
Blessings to all. ❤️❤️